lightning

my father asked me once when i was younger wandering aimlessly through life doing nothing much but reading all night into the wee hours of the morning. "what are you doing?" "are you waiting for lightning to strike?" "it may not." "do something." so i went out the next morning and joined the marine corps. but that's another story. a few years ago i bouht a lottery ticket and lightning did strike. after uncle sugar and all the other various governmental agencies got their pound of flesh i still walked away with several million. it's amazing the friends and relatives you never knew you had suddenly have the urge to get in touch with you. i got a call not long after my picture and story ran in the newspaper from a preacher down the road. he said he had read about my good fortune and he was having a conversation with god that night and he was told to get in touch with me and i would be moved to help he and his church. now i do believe that anyone who claims to be in direct contact with the almighty should be listened to so i heard him out. now he is the pastor of one of those churches where they handle poisonous snakes to show their faith. i remembered reading once where this particular church had caught fire one night and the local volunteer fire department had responded. they were beginning to pull their hoses across the grounds when someone noticed that the yard was full of snakes. needless to say all the firefighters got back in their vehickles and let it burn to the ground. this gave me an idea. i had a few friends who, they or their relatives or friends, had been snake bitten. i made a deal with him that i would donate $100 to the church for every poisonous reptile they caught as long as they weren't released back into the wild. that's how i became the patron saint of the annual "ya'll come back now, sacred bleedin' heart of jesus church" snake round-up. men, women, boys, and girls all gather once a year and scour the surrouding countryside trapping and counting their catch. i figure everybody wins. except maybe the snakes. but i do insist they are fed well and treated humanely.